I'm really not sure what's going on but that's not anything out of the ordinary for someone who is as baked as a cake.

To cut to the chase, one of my dear friends kissed me and yeah, at first it was awkward but I got over that pretty fast because I had developed my own little crush on him. The thing is, we haven't really talked about our little make out sessions so I really have no idea what is going on between us. Some nights he'll kiss me goodbye (usually after he drinks; I don't blame him) and most nights it'll just be our regular hugs. It could be because we're stoned all the time and I say really bizarre things when I'm stoned.

The thing is, I don't know what I want. I don't want to destroy our friendship by dating him and having it not work out. But on the other hand, I have this uncontrollable lust for him that I've never had for anyone else. It's ridiculous. I don't get it and I wish I knew what to do.

I feel like I can totally be true to myself around him and that's what I love about it and partly why I'd rather date him.

I don't fuckin' know.

Don't fuckin' ask me.





Oh, and I lost my big sweet needle that I use for cleaning bowls. I'm fuckin' pissed.

I think Jesus and I are on good terms now. That makes me really happy because that's all I really wanted in the first place. The relationship wasn't working but I was hoping that a friendship would still be salvageable. Turns out, it is. That is, of course, after talking on the phone for a long time a few times and countless little emails but we have seemed to have worked things out. I don't know when we're going to get together or even if it's going to be awkward but I don't really care right now. I'm just relieved that he's not mad at me anymore.

And now for something completely different:
Today is my mom and my step dad's anniversary. Today, 10 years ago, signified the beginning of the end. Luckily my mom was in good spirits because I told her that and she just laughed and smiled saying that "It was the worst day of your life!" before she burst out into extreme laughter.

My mom...

I really don't get my mom.

Hmmm....
I wonder if I sound really immature and naive in most of my other entries.

Just so you know, in the months that I haven't posted in this thing, I've grown up a lot.
For those of you that read this...

I haven't used this thing is a very long time but maybe it'll help.

The other day I broke up with my boyfriend on the terms that both him and I need to work out our mental problems and stresses by ourselves. At least I need to. He seemed very understanding and I really appreciate that from him even though I still feel really selfish about the whole thing. Sometimes we just need to stop looking out for others and concentrate on ourselves before we crack and ruin everything that we love that we've acquired.

Today I received a text message from him that was a poem more or less but the underlying meaning of it is: I'm thinking about committing suicide because I fail at everything I try. I'm really worried but at the same time, I'm really angry about it. I'm angry because that's not how you deal with you problems. You look your problems straight in the face and decide what to do about them. I'm sorry if I sound harsh or insensitive but that's honestly how I feel.

I really don't need this on my conscience.

I haven't been here in a while...
Sorry.

I don't know what my life has become. One of my best friends just started going out with a junkie and that's totally not cool. She was asking me for advice on what to do and since I've been clean since March 9th, I told her to leave him. Granted, I know him better than she does. I know that he has gone to rehab and immediately relapsed. It'll be junkie love and I told her that if she stays with him that I can't hang out with her because she'll end up a junkie. Fuck that. I've been clean for so long but it doesn't matter. There are times that I just get the urge to do it but thank god that I never shot it and that I never got my own hook up for it. Otherwise, I'd be a junkie with a junkie boyfriend and I'd probably rob my best friends for money for dope. I don't want to be that person (again) and I don't want that to happen to her. After talking about this with her, I found myself craving the shit. It really sucks but what can I do? I'm trying to be strong for her but I'm not sure if I can even be strong enough for myself. I'm sure I can if I made it this long but who honestly knows?

I just saw the rest of Little Miss Sunshine. It made me really sad. I think it's because I've come to the realization that I was Olive. I was the little girl that didn't fit in at the beauty contest. But instead of people realizing this before me and trying to stop me, I went on and no one stood beside me. They let me do it by myself and I failed. I'm not speaking in literal terms because I was never in a beauty contest. I'm just using the example from the movie. I'm talking about my life up until college. And I must say that seeing this now makes me cry. Why? Because how foolish is it that I can see it now and how it made/makes me act. This is why people are difficult. It's not just guys and it's not just girls. I have a problem with trusting people. I hate it. It makes everything I do that much more difficult.

Now I need to think of a way to overcome it.

I don't know. My life has become so messed up. I don't know what to do or where to go or who to see. There are people I want to see but I'm not sure if it'll help. I don't really even know what's wrong. It's just that life is so strange sometimes. I wish I could shed some more light on whatever is bothering me but I can't because I don't know what it is. This is very frustrating. I just want to be either really stoned or really drunk. If I do both I'll end up immobile and fucked up beyond all reason. It's ridiculous.

I need to get out of Rochester right now before my parents come home but they'll be here any minute. Hmph...

What letter am I on now?

m? DXM

I just got back from my trip out west. I went to California, Tijuana (Mexico), and everywhere in between. I'm really tired though. I think I'm going to go to bed.

I got kicked out of my house on Saturday along with my brother. My mom just snapped over the stupidest shit and now, well I don't know. She doesn't want to talk to us because she's still crazed. What made it worse was that my step-dad tried to step in and I almost hit him with a bottle of whiskey (but my mom could foresee the future and grabbed it away from me). Oh well. Saturday night I stayed at my grandma's house and then last night I stayed at Misha's house. It's all too crazy to deal.

On the other side, I'm going to Florida, Mexico, and California tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well and there will be no other stress. Who the fuck knows.

Life is so ridiculous at times.

The other day Dan was talking to me about how he's through with stupid girls and is just ready to go back to me. I was surprised to hear this because I don't think I bring too much to the table but he told me that all the girls that I meet are all jealous. I asked him why because they're all thinner and more experienced than I am and he told me it's because they know he prefers me over them.

Yesterday he told me that he was talking to this other girl that he hangs out with a lot and wanted to know if I would be interested in a 3-way relationship. The problem is that this girl is really annoying and a total buzz kill. I had never told him that before and I did. He just told me to think about it. The answer is no no matter what. He just wants a 3-way relationship because he knows that if he were to just go out with me he'd end up cheating on me with her. She's just a fuck buddy with a car. How unfortunate is that? The only guy that seems to care for me at all would have to cheat on me to satisfy his dick.

My life is spiraling down the shit-hole.

Here's an update on all my drugs I've taken:

a. Marijuana
b. DMT
c. Valium
d. Salvia
e. LSA (baby woodrow seeds)
f. Dilodid
g. Cocaine
h. Ketamine
i. Ecstacy
j. Mushrooms
k. Heroin
l. Adherol

I think that is it.

Can you tell I'm REALLY bored?

Last night I did ketamine for real. When he went to give it to me I made to sure to say drunk and obnoxiously, "Are you sure this is ketamine?" Well, needless to say, it wasn't heroin so I'm sure it was ketamine. I shouldn't have done it though because I was really drunk and that can't be good for you.

I have some fabulous friends and then I have some that really need to be decked. I had the chance to figure that out tonight.

Life started to suck last night (actually it was probably really early in the morning) and continued to suck throughout the day. Around eight thirty I got socked really hard with the urge to do some heroin. I decided to call my friend because he told me before that I could come to him with anything and he would help me. So I ended up going down to the Marston house and meeting up him. We went bar hopping and I ended up forgeting all about my problems and heroin and having a fun time.

Now that's what I call a friend.

Heroin.

Yup. I kid you not. You know how I said that I was doing ketamine? Well, I found out today that I was actually snorting heroin. I was wigging out earlier because I've promised myself and many other people that I would never do that shit. Look what happened.

Just look at what I've become....

Yesterday I got back from Chicago. I went there the day I got out of school which was Monday. I bought like a quarter oz of weed and we took off. That shit was pretty amazing. I ended up staying high for like 3 days straight. No joke. Anyway, while we were there, we went to May Day which is where the people there have a march for immigrant rights. It was very long but we marched the whole way and I got wickedly burned on my back from my good friend the sun. It hurts like hell. It was fun though.

My mom just got me upset again. Once upon a time she told me that I had two weeks after I got out of school to find a job or else she's kicking me out. Well she just checked in on me and said that one week was up (which isn't true since I got out of school on Monday). I've been putting in applications everywhere and have only gotten a call back from one store and they don't like me I guess because I haven't heard from them since. But I am putting in applications everywhere. That's all I can do. What else does she expect? I don't know. I'll figure it out.

I better.

It's that I'm heart-broken.

Now I'm just playing "Humpty-Dumpty" where I have to put it all back together again. And believe me, there are no "all the King's horses and all the King's men" here to help me.

Fuck.

You guys have to bear with me... I'm learning to love myself:

1. I've lost 20 pounds since college started (even though it wasn't necessarily the healthiest way to lose the weight).
2. I bought 2 tank tops today and I haven't worn tank tops since pre-adolescence because I was too self-concious.
3. They look good with these short skirts that I got a few years ago that I got too fat to fit into and now they're almost too big.
4. I have gorgeous eyes.
5. I have thick beautiful hair.
6. Guys compliment me sometimes now.
7. People enjoy my artwork.
8. I've been told that I'm the sweetest person.
9. I think I'm a good listener.
10. I think people enjoy my company.
11. I have porcelin skin.
12. I'm relativly smart.
13. I'm easy-going.
14. I'm learning to live without medication (it's going pretty good too).
15. I'm open to all ideas, thoughts, genres (music, art, books, etc.), and all sorts of other stuff.
16. I'm pleasently creative.
17. I've been told that I have a perfect nose.

Hmmm... Did I miss anything? If you guys have anything to add I'd love to hear it. Once again, this is like a self-help thing so please don't think that I'm been self-centered.

I hate to sound totally clichéd but how does one learn to love themself? I've been struggling with this dilemma my whole life and I'm tired of doing it. So I would love it if anyone has any input on this matter. I'm lost and I don't like it....

There is officially NOTHING to do in Rochester! It makes me want to eat but more importantly it makes me want to be drugged. I'm living in the Ramones' song "I Wanna Be Sedated." I feel like a loser quoting a song to convey what I'm feeling but it's totally true. I think everyone knows what sedative I'm craving... (I'll give you a hint: meow!)

Well tomorrow I have my abnormal psychology exam. It kind of sucks since I haven't really studied but I'm like the world's worst studier. I've made note cards though. I guess that counts a little. Hmmm....

Shoot me in the head.